"But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."
Lately, I've been wrestling with God about prayer.
The intention of prayer, the idea of prayer, the need for prayer, the timing of prayer, and the manifestations of prayer.
What is okay to pray about? Am I asking for too much? Is it okay to ask for _____? etc.
Discussions/debates with close friends left me then with the following...
- Why am I able to pray explicitly for others meanwhile unable to do so for myself?
- If God already knows my heart, and the intention of prayer is to build a relationship with Him, then why am I still afraid of turning God into a vending machine?
- What is this fear of turning God into a vending machine actually revealing about my relationship with God?
(A friend shared....) that it's vending machine mentality if/when we only ask God for things and not spend time in getting to know Him. (I'm scarred by...) growing up in a relationship-less idea of Christianity. Thus, the six inches between my mind and my heart has never felt so far until now.
I talk to Him all the time. I ask Him questions all the time. (The usual "Why God? Why me?) I also listen to Him (sometimes I can hear Him sometimes I can't...ugh.)
My mind knows He is a loving Father who blesses according to His will and His plans for me. Yet the disconnection that arose recently made me felt disturbed. I don't understand how I can spend time interceding for others in tears, but sit and stare at God dry as ever when it came to my own issues.
Other factors I find fascinating, is that generally speaking, people do not turn away prayers. Regardless if they are believers or not, people receive it. That being said, I definitely experienced the importance of the church body and blessing of my accountability partners. There are moments when we ourselves are at lost with words and we just need the Holy Spirit or other brothers and sisters to take over.
I wholeheartedly believe that God not only hears my prayers, but He answers them (and usually in surprising ways). Three months ago, I resigned from my position at the Japanese company. Since then, I have been working slowly on detoxing (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Little things are revealing as I take time to process and dissect into these matters. Several of the major struggles for the past two years (while working a 9-12 hours shift staring at a computer, sometimes 6 days a week, lunch time anywhere between noon to 7pm, and minimal human interaction....) has been not being able to cook, run, study, nor meet people I care about. After a year of my Japanese women's group praying for me, I'm finally back in the game. And it feels GREAT.
While some may assume and imagine prayer to be quiet, hands together, and heads down.... I can kind of understand why I need to shut my door and pray in secret. Because it was loud, there was yelling, I cried, I pouted, I kicked, I threw Aki in the air (no I didn't, she's too heavy).
Just like a real relationship, it's not always that pretty.
Sadly, I'm still sitting on some of my questions with God, but it has been extremely encouraging to hear other friends who helped affirm that this is just another beautiful side of being in a relationship with Christ.
***A follow up on Ecclesiastes 3:11 ***
After a full year of news/podcasts/documentaries/articles/interviews in four languages, I have finally put together a short video series that focuses on Multiculturalism. Last week, the pilot episode has launched :) I am excited to use this opportunity to contribute to the education field, hopefully help international families and their neighbors navigate, provide ways to practice cross-cultural understanding, and share resources that helped me through many chaotic events last year. This series is also helping me digest and comprehend situations and incidents that I have personally experienced/witnessed in many different countries. I think I'm just always amazed and fascinated by how the Lord has a way to display beauty in the broken.
- Pray for the Holy Spirit to continue working in the hearts of those I meet with
