Romans 8:26

 "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

(This is a follow up to my previous sharing about prayer. There are five main encounters that have captured my attention regarding my issue on prayer lately.)

#1 - Hours after my first entry on prayer, my pastor preached on times where he himself, the father, and his son would sit in silence.  He also reminded us to go to our Father with a childlike heart. I was then gifted with Paul Miller’s “A Praying Life” and have been working through it.

Silence. 

It relived me to learn that it’s not only one person who is silent sometimes. 

Thus, there was a bit of comfort knowing both parties can be comfortably silent. 

Feeling okay throughout silence is drastically different from knowing it is okay to be the silent one.

Perhaps me being uncomfortable with silence reflects a bit about my relationship with God.

#2 - Silence by Endo, Shusaku

Interestingly enough, I recently finished Silence・沈黙 (was reading it in Chinese…) and I recall the part where he contemplates praying with reality before his eyes, but he prays anyways. 

That really stuck with me. 

#3 - The following week after the sermon on prayer, I met up with my friend L-san at a park. She said she has been getting a lot of God’s “しーん” (a Japanese expression of dead silence). Then she continued to share about her constant regret of not praying at this one important moment in the past. I thought these so called “I should’ve prayed during ____” moments are incredibly intriguing. What are mine?

#4 - Later that week, on a phone call with a sister from church, I told her that I didn’t know what to pray for….to which she responded with “it’s a blessing to not have anything to pray for sometimes, to be in a place where you can just praise, it’s a gift to be in this place.”

Was that true? Or did I lack the desire to pray for myself?

#5 - On a BICF Cantonese sermon/podcast, the pastor shares that sometimes we don’t know what we want or need; that it is okay to be silent during those times. “Just let the Holy Spirit work!” he said. 

So is that it? Have I come to a full circle?

And. I tried that for a while.....Sitting in silence before God saying, 

“I want to pray something for myself, but, I don’t know what….so….yah.”  

“しーん”

Woman of Simplicity

It was about 5:30AM when I started hearing someone moving around, no, much more than moving actually. I’d say this person was jumping, jogging in place, patting different parts of the body to wake up the muscles, and sounds like breathing exercises too. The tiny two bedroom apartment in the Monster Building was designed for noise to echo it seems. Nonetheless, I get up to see what all the commotion was in the living room. There she was, swinging her arms front and back, to the side, and then opposite directions. There stood a woman who persevered through so much that my memory is nothing but a glimpse of what she endured. 

She told me she grew up on a farm and had to help feed the pigs. She mentioned having sold matches on the street after immigrating to Hong Kong. I’ve seen her sell vegetables at a wet market booth. Her daughter watched her clean and cook for a wealthy family as a living. Towards the end of her years, I was able to ask her to share about the harsh days of the war. 

It wasn’t only until she passed away last October, did we finally learn about the complete truth. 

The strength in her perseverance was further exposed and the beauty in her simplicity overflowed. 

At a young age, she married while living in China. Sadly, her husband soon fell ill and left her as a widow in her 20s.  With respect to her in-laws and keeping her duties as filial piety deems, she somehow managed to pack her bags and immigrate to Hong Kong. She annually and dutifully sent money to clean the grave of her diseased husband and family members. We had no idea!

After arriving in Hong Kong, she was able to meet a man who was willing to marry her regardless of infertility. They soon became a family of three by adopting a baby suffering from extreme malnutrition. Even though they had little to give, these parents did everything they could to raise up this infant.

She couldn’t read. Yet, she knew the importance of knowledge and education. Every time I visited, she would prepare the following things: dumplings, oranges, and Chinese philosophy books. 

For an illiterate woman, she sure learned a lot of words through the Bible during her later years. While showing me her notebooks of handwritten scripture and pointing at random words, “this one is God …. Lord … people … me …. love ….” she said proudly as I smile in awe of her hard work.  

When people came over, she would have an amazing feast prepared along with a heart of joyful hospitality. She loved watching our guests enjoy her homemade meals (and despised going out to eat because it was a waste of money). Some might call her lifestyle frugal, but I saw something beyond that. 

She used to say these phrases to me….

“Let your heart be content” 

“Everything is a part of God’s plan” 

“No need to want so much”

 

As I prepare my new apartment, I find myself setting it up with group dinners, game nights, and a guest room in mind. Hospitality is at the top of my list and this new home is ready for emergency sleepovers. These are moments I look through my childhood and try to recall how I inherited such a desire. It was befuddling for the longest time because my parents did not cook that often. 

Now it’s slowly coming back….

Helping prepare a table for 8 people who are coming over for dinner and excitingly filling all the bowls with soup and rice. 

Giving away things joyfully when they leave even when there is nothing left to give. 

Yelling “HOH! HOH!” at summit during our 5:30AM hikes up the mountain behind Monster Building.

Descaling a fish, then using the meat to make dumplings along with whatever is left in the refrigerator. 

Lastly, ending each day, each conversation, with “My heart is full. I am content.” 

Thank you for embedding the desires of 

frugal living, 

generous giving, 

and simple joy into my heart:

Leung King Fun, my dearest grandmother, 

May the Lord turn His face upon you and smile. 

Matthew 6:6

 "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."

Lately, I've been wrestling with God about prayer. 

The intention of prayer, the idea of prayer, the need for prayer, the timing of prayer, and the manifestations of prayer. 

What is okay to pray about? Am I asking for too much? Is it okay to ask for _____? etc.

Discussions/debates with close friends left me then with the following...

- Why am I able to pray explicitly for others meanwhile unable to do so for myself?

- If God already knows my heart, and the intention of prayer is to build a relationship with Him, then why am I still afraid of turning God into a vending machine? 

- What is this fear of turning God into a vending machine actually revealing about my relationship with God?

(A friend shared....) that it's vending machine mentality if/when we only ask God for things and not spend time in getting to know Him. (I'm scarred by...) growing up in a relationship-less idea of Christianity. Thus, the six inches between my mind and my heart has never felt so far until now.

I talk to Him all the time. I ask Him questions all the time. (The usual "Why God? Why me?) I also listen to Him (sometimes I can hear Him sometimes I can't...ugh.)

My mind knows He is a loving Father who blesses according to His will and His plans for me. Yet the disconnection that arose recently made me felt disturbed. I don't understand how I can spend time interceding for others in tears, but sit and stare at God dry as ever when it came to my own issues. 

Accountable prayer buddy: ATM

Other factors I find fascinating, is that generally speaking, people do not turn away prayers. Regardless if they are believers or not, people receive it. That being said, I definitely experienced the importance of the church body and blessing of my accountability partners. There are moments when we ourselves are at lost with words and we just need the Holy Spirit or other brothers and sisters to take over.  

"Heavy stone thus cannot move, Roots deep thus cannot pluck, One should know oneself's dignity."

I wholeheartedly believe that God not only hears my prayers, but He answers them (and usually in surprising ways).  Three months ago, I resigned from my position at the Japanese company. Since then, I have been working slowly on detoxing (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). Little things are revealing as I take time to process and dissect into these matters. Several of the major struggles for the past two years (while working a 9-12 hours shift staring at a computer, sometimes 6 days a week, lunch time anywhere between noon to 7pm, and minimal human interaction....) has been not being able to cook, run, study, nor meet people I care about. After a year of my Japanese women's group praying for me, I'm finally back in the game. And it feels GREAT.

Oh 2020....

While some may assume and imagine prayer to be quiet, hands together, and heads down.... I can kind of understand why I need to shut my door and pray in secret.  Because it was loud, there was yelling, I cried, I pouted, I kicked, I threw Aki in the air (no I didn't, she's too heavy). 

Just like a real relationship, it's not always that pretty. 

Sadly, I'm still sitting on some of my questions with God, but it has been extremely encouraging to hear other friends who helped affirm that this is just another beautiful side of being in a relationship with Christ. 

I find prayer similar to Chinese medicine, doesn't taste great, subtle, hard to swallow, it's good for you, leaves a taste in your mouth, has lasting effects, and always ends up wanting more.

My Sarah 언니 and the fruit of her hard work and service to the Lord, "Beneath the Surface". (I still have extra copies!)

***A follow up on Ecclesiastes 3:11 ***

After a full year of news/podcasts/documentaries/articles/interviews in four languages, I have finally put together a short video series that focuses on Multiculturalism. Last week, the pilot episode has launched  :)  I am excited to use this opportunity to contribute to the education field, hopefully help international families and their neighbors navigate, provide ways to practice cross-cultural understanding, and share resources that helped me through many chaotic events last year. This series is also helping me digest and comprehend situations and incidents that I have personally experienced/witnessed in many different countries. I think I'm just always amazed and fascinated by how the Lord has a way to display beauty in the broken. 

Because, why not?

Prayers, thoughts, updates for May 2, 2021:

-  Praises for God's provision during this season of frugal living but still allowing ways to invest into relationships and do counseling for others

-  Praises for wonderful accountability and friends who are willing to pray with me through struggles

-  I have an interview this coming Friday along with 3 full class demo lessons. Please pray for my travel to the school, diligence in preparation, and also for my time meeting the students

-  Pray for my heart to trust in God's plan for me and that I would be obedient and content 
-  Pray for the Holy Spirit to continue working in the hearts of those I meet with 

Lamentations 2:19

 "Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord! Lift your hands to him for the lives of your children, who faint for hunger at the head of every street."

I have been hesitant about this post, for various reasons I suppose. Probably because I didn't want to discuss hurt or pain...but lately, I often find myself circling back to the theme of grief. 

A little background...

For five years in a row, I have been participating with my church in Hong Kong during their annual fast and prayer every January. Some years were great, some...not so good. This year...I delayed it... but it was still fruitful. (I'm a bit OCD and it still bothers me a little that I didn't complete all 21 days. *sigh*)

Each year, there seems to be a lineup of incidents or situations that usually lead me to focus on a specific theme, type of prayer, and a study on a selected part within the Bible. Then after the fast, I would encounter some form of chaos, which then it miraculously disappears!!!

Just kidding. 

Problems and conflicts didn't vanish, rather, my heart was more prepared for each challenge. Not only so, each fast seemed to have prepared me for what was to come.

For example...

2017, I studied Jeremiah as a recommendation from a friend because I wanted to learn more about perseverance. Soon after the fast ended, I faced a lot of trouble at my work place.

2018, I felt compelled to study Romans. Two months later I was pulled out of Japan for three months. All I could do was be obedient and trust that He would bring me back to Japan. And He did!

2019, randomly I picked Acts. Later that year, I begin leading a women's group in Japanese with a fellow sister from my church. 

2020, I wanted to become a prayerful woman and I asked God to give me a desire to pray. Well... a week later...COVID-19 hits...and there was A LOT to pray about...

2021, from many discussions with friends and family who were having trouble understanding pain and grief, I decided to dig through Lamentations and also C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed". 

On what did I need to spend time grieving? Mmmm....

Hong Kong protests, USA riots/shootings, not being able to run/swing dance/snowboard/volleyball/host/hug, my grandmother's death last year, working a very isolating job for 2 years, finding out recently that a very dear friend in Indiana had passed away, all conducting events canceled (band and orchestra), people leaving, current uncertainties while being unemployed, my sins, live music, the beach, singleness, and...there's probably more....  

There was something beautiful as I cried out each night. 

I didn't desire so much an understanding, but definitely just begging the Holy Spirit to take over. 

Nor did I receive any immediate healing...it was a variation of sitting in silence, getting confused, asking many questions, and doubting here and there. 

Of course there are several items in which I need to continue processing, but Lamentations was surprisingly very helpful. It felt as if my Heavenly Father just looked at me compassionately and said, "it's okay to just cry".  

Prayers, thoughts, updates for April 7, 2021:

-  Praises for God's provision through the body of Christ and other friends who have been supporting me in various ways. 
-  Pray for my heart to trust in God's plan for me regardless where he takes me next. 
-  Pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of several ladies with whom I've been meeting. 

* If you are interested in learning how to better pray for Japan, please contact me directly. I have two new prayer books that could use a good home!  :)

For those of you who follow these blogs for Aki, I have a special treat for you. My friend got a shiba inu and her name is Pepper! Although it took a day (or two) for these two to get along, Aki now has a new friend :D