"Arise, cry out in the night, at the beginning of the night watches! Pour out your heart like water before the presence of the Lord! Lift your hands to him for the lives of your children, who faint for hunger at the head of every street."
I have been hesitant about this post, for various reasons I suppose. Probably because I didn't want to discuss hurt or pain...but lately, I often find myself circling back to the theme of grief.
A little background...
For five years in a row, I have been participating with my church in Hong Kong during their annual fast and prayer every January. Some years were great, some...not so good. This year...I delayed it... but it was still fruitful. (I'm a bit OCD and it still bothers me a little that I didn't complete all 21 days. *sigh*)
Each year, there seems to be a lineup of incidents or situations that usually lead me to focus on a specific theme, type of prayer, and a study on a selected part within the Bible. Then after the fast, I would encounter some form of chaos, which then it miraculously disappears!!!
Just kidding.
Problems and conflicts didn't vanish, rather, my heart was more prepared for each challenge. Not only so, each fast seemed to have prepared me for what was to come.
For example...
2017, I studied Jeremiah as a recommendation from a friend because I wanted to learn more about perseverance. Soon after the fast ended, I faced a lot of trouble at my work place.
2018, I felt compelled to study Romans. Two months later I was pulled out of Japan for three months. All I could do was be obedient and trust that He would bring me back to Japan. And He did!
2019, randomly I picked Acts. Later that year, I begin leading a women's group in Japanese with a fellow sister from my church.
2020, I wanted to become a prayerful woman and I asked God to give me a desire to pray. Well... a week later...COVID-19 hits...and there was A LOT to pray about...
2021, from many discussions with friends and family who were having trouble understanding pain and grief, I decided to dig through Lamentations and also C.S. Lewis's "A Grief Observed".
On what did I need to spend time grieving? Mmmm....
Hong Kong protests, USA riots/shootings, not being able to run/swing dance/snowboard/volleyball/host/hug, my grandmother's death last year, working a very isolating job for 2 years, finding out recently that a very dear friend in Indiana had passed away, all conducting events canceled (band and orchestra), people leaving, current uncertainties while being unemployed, my sins, live music, the beach, singleness, and...there's probably more....
There was something beautiful as I cried out each night.
I didn't desire so much an understanding, but definitely just begging the Holy Spirit to take over.
Nor did I receive any immediate healing...it was a variation of sitting in silence, getting confused, asking many questions, and doubting here and there.
Of course there are several items in which I need to continue processing, but Lamentations was surprisingly very helpful. It felt as if my Heavenly Father just looked at me compassionately and said, "it's okay to just cry".
- Pray for my heart to trust in God's plan for me regardless where he takes me next.
- Pray for the Holy Spirit to work in the hearts of several ladies with whom I've been meeting.
* If you are interested in learning how to better pray for Japan, please contact me directly. I have two new prayer books that could use a good home! :)
